News
12/02 : COMEDY SKETCH: The Pharmacy
I traveled 10 hours to surprise my one-eyed dad with a visit. I discovered he wasn't at home, but had gone to get reading glasses for his remaining eye. I was informed that he had gone to Walgreens. I knew where 4 of them were, so I traveled to each of them. When I arrived at the last pharmacy counter, I asked the clerk the same question I'd asked the others, "Have you seen a man with one eye?" She leaned over the counter and said, "The crow flies at midnight." I was surprised by her response, so I repeated my question. She again repeated, "The crow flies at midnight." I finally asked what the hell she was talking about. She shook her head abruptly and said, "I thought you were talking in code." She walked away from me. I went back to my dad's house and told him the story since he'd just arrived. This sketch was born of that encounter.FADE IN:
INT. PHARMACY COUNTER - DAY
A PHARMACIST is stocking shelves when CUSTOMER ONE approaches.
PHARMACIST
Thank you for visiting Health B More Pharmacy. How may I be of assistance?
CUSTOMER ONE
I am here to pick up a prescription for Nichols.
PHARMACIST
(Leans over the counter)
Are you sure you don't mean dimes?
CUSTOMER ONE
I beg your pardon?
PHARMACIST
Dimes are the bottom of the top.
CUSTOMER ONE
What are you talking about?
PHARMACIST
(winks heavily)
You know what I’m talking about.
CUSTOMER ONE
I most certainly do not! I'm here to pick up a prescription for Anna Nichols.
PHARMACIST
Sure you are. Have a fruit rollup.
CUSTOMER ONE
Let me speak to your manager.
PHARMACIST
(Strikes an invincible pose)
I AM THE KING! I am BETTER than the manager! Dimes are the bottom of the top!
CUSTOMER ONE
You’re crazy!
PHARMACIST
And YOU madam...are a SPY!
CUSTOMER ONE walks away quickly while CUSTOMER TWO and CUSTOMER THREE enter the pharmacy.
PHARMACIST (CONT'D)
I knew it!
PHARMACIST returns to stocking shelves.
PHARMACIST (CONT'D)
Thank you for visiting Health B More Pharmacy. How may I be of assistance?
CUSTOMER TWO
Hi. I’m looking for some witch hazel. Do you carry it?
PHARMACIST
Which witch is which?
CUSTOMER TWO
Witch hazel? The astringent?
PHARMACIST
(Leans over the counter)
Shining moons on witches asses.
CUSTOMER TWO
Okay...so which way was that again?
PHARMACIST
Shining moons on witches asses.
CUSTOMER TWO
I don’t think you understand what I mean. I need witch hazel.
PHARMACIST
I understand perfectly. Say the password.
CUSTOMER TWO
Password?
PHARMACIST
It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend with me. I know what you do for a living.
CUSTOMER TWO
How would you know? I know what I do too. Look, I just want some witch hazel.
PHARMACIST
Password.
CUSTOMER TWO
I don’t know what you want me to say.
PHARMACIST
I want you to give me the password. No password. No witch hazel.
CUSTOMER TWO
You don’t get out much, do you.
PHARMACIST
I know what you’re doing. I know what you do! You’re a spy!
CUSTOMER TWO
What?!
PHARMACIST
You’re a spy!
CUSTOMER TWO
You’re bloody batty, you are. I just want some witch hazel!
PHARMACIST
SPY! SPY! SPY! SPY! SPY!
CUSTOMER TWO
(To CUSTOMER THREE)
RUN!
CUSTOMER THREE is watching the scene without blinking an eye as CUSTOMER TWO flees in terror.
PHARMACIST
This world is just filled with those underhanded, overpaid, oversexed...
CUSTOMER THREE approaches the counter.
PHARMACIST (CONT'D)
Thank you for choosing Health B More Pharmacy, how may I be of assistance?
CUSTOMER THREE
Have you seen a man with one eye?
PHARMACIST
The crow flies at midnight.
CUSTOMER THREE
Huh?
PHARMACIST
The crow flies at midnight.
CUSTOMER THREE
I’m looking for a man with one eye, have you seen him?
PHARMACIST
(Leans over the counter)
The chair is against the wall.
CUSTOMER THREE
Look, my dad lost his eye in an accident. He wears a patch over one eye and he was looking for reading glasses for his other eye. Have you seen him? He may have come in here.
PHARMACIST
Password?
CUSTOMER THREE
Password?
PHARMACIST
Yes, the password.
CUSTOMER THREE
Eye patch
PHARMACIST
No.
CUSTOMER THREE
One eye?
PHARMACIST
(Shakes his head.)
Try again.
CUSTOMER THREE
Reading glasses?
PHARMACIST
PASSWORD!
CUSTOMER THREE
Pop Tarts?
PHARMACIST
No, I haven’t seen anyone who fits that description come in here.
CUSTOMER THREE
Cheerios?
PHARMACIST
You already gave me the proper password.
CUSTOMER THREE
Long Island?
PHARMACIST
Cut that out. I haven’t seen him.
CUSTOMER THREE
I know what you are.
PHARMACIST
I am KING!
CUSTOMER THREE
You are a SPY!
PHARMACIST
I am not! You are!
The PHARMACIST and CUSTOMER THREE start yelling at each other about each being a spy. They are so into the argument they do not notice the DOCTOR enter)
PHARMACIST AND CUSTOMER THREE
SPY! SPY! SPY! SPY!
DOCTOR
Excuse me.
PHARMACIST AND CUSTOMER THREE
SPY! SPY! SPY! SPY!
DOCTOR
(Louder)
Excuse me!
PHARMACIST
Thank you for visiting Health B More Pharmacy, how may I be of assistance?
DOCTOR
I need to pick up a prescription I called in earlier today for my (Cough) nurse.
PHARMACIST AND CUSTOMER THREE
THE PATCH!
DOCTOR
How did you know what I ordered? What’s going on here?
PHARMACIST and CUSTOMER THREE pull pistols from their pockets.
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
What in the world are you doing? Why do you have guns aimed at me?
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
ME?!
PHARMACIST AND CUSTOMER THREE
You’re a SPY!
DOCTOR
I am not! I am a doctor of medicine. I called in an order for the patch for my (Coughs) nurse earlier today.
PHARMACIST
Likely story.
CUSTOMER THREE
How can we know that for sure?
PHARMACIST
Flying turtles eat fresh tuna.
DOCTOR
Sugar beets are better iced!
PHARMACIST AND CUSTOMER THREE
AHA!
DOCTOR
Crap!
PHARMACIST AND CUSTOMER THREE
SPY! SPY!
PHARMACIST and CUSTOMER THREE shoot the doctor/spy.
DOCTOR
(Dying)
The crow flies at midnight Romeo.
PHARMACIST AND CUSTOMER THREE
(Gasp in unison)
WOW!
PHARMACIST
I guess that solves that.
CUSTOMER THREE
Sorry I thought you were a spy.
PHARMACIST
Don’t mention it. To anyone.
CUSTOMER THREE
Won’t do! Want help disposing of the body?
PHARMACIST
No thank you. We’re the helpful pharmacy.
PHARMACIST comes around to the body and starts to lift it over the counter.
CUSTOMER THREE
Thanks anyway for your help.
PHARMACIST
Thank you for visiting Health B More Pharmacy. Have a great day!
CUSTOMER THREE leaves while the PHARMACIST completes his task. PHARMACIST returns to stocking shelves.
FADE TO BLACK.
