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14/11 : 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind.
I found these on the Internets and thought I would allow you, dear reader, to see into some of the ways my mind works. Dive in, surface when you need air, buckle your safety belt, and watch for elk. Thank you. 1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? If I dig down inside my heart and look around inside, I am around 23-25. I don't feel as old as my age tells me I am. It feels weird to say I'm 42 years old. It feels like I'm lying. I know when my birthday is, but my mind doesn't believe everything it reads.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? This was a hard one to answer. If you never try, then you don't play the odds of failing or succeeding. It actually never comes into play. Failing? There are many things I fail to accomplish when I do actually try. Most of the time I throw up my hands and accept the fact that on whatever project I was sure I'd win, well sometimes (a lot of times) you were never meant to win. You were just meant to take the journey. When that happens, is it really a failure? Or is it an acknowledgment of how life really is? Or, if you try to improve on your former "failure", and succeed, was the "failure" really that or was it a lesser version of success? I suppose that it's a matter of perspective.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? We all do things because we feel obligated to do them. We try to please our parents by being successful enough to have a steady job, a loving spouse, beautiful children. We try because that's how we were raised to think. I work when I can find it. I don't mind the work. I like the environment of office politics which amuse me to no end. But, I've also found that working enough to keep you comfortable without busting balls is enlightening. Then if you want to stay up until 5am painting, drawing, writing, listening to music, watching movies, exercising, or whatever your favorite activity happens to be, then you can. Funds running low? Get to work chum. There has to be a balance between what you're not fond of but can deal with and that which you love to do more than anything.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Indubitably
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I suppose it would be pretty idealistic to hope that people would remove their masks and be who they truly are for the whole world to see. Or, I'd like the world to discover that the power of love is stronger than the most advanced weapons system we could ever create.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Helping other people, giving free hugs, telling jokes, but the real work that would make me richest of all would be to love and be loved in return.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I used to settle. I married too young because I was afraid that I would die alone. I married the first man willing to make sure that didn't happen. I settled. When I married my second husband, I settled. I settled because I was certain that if I loved him enough, he would change. I know. I know. When I married my third husband, I was madly in love with him as he was with me. We were truly happy. I didn't feel like I was settling until we moved from a good life in Tucson to a dinky town that I still miss called Show Low. Then, the rose colored glasses came off and I realized that I'd settled again. With my current and last husband, I do not believe I've settled. I think I finally found my peace with myself because he doesn't expect anything other than for me to be me. I love that.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? If my life had stopped at 40, I wouldn't have been granted the blessing of a good husband and a brilliant son. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't listen to the people that told me that I would never amount to anything. I would have gotten a degree in English or Psychology. At this point, I'm lucky enough to wake up in the morning. I think the whole thing boils down to counting your blessings and being grateful for what you are given, even if it sucks.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? For many years I blamed myself for the molestation and rape of myself when I was quite young. Then I turned the blame on anyone that came near me, like a wounded wild animal. I directed back towards myself and finally realized that my reactions weren't from the people around me. They were from myself. I was shamed, guilty, horrified, broken, and scared of what I became. After years of healing through all the crap, I feel more confident in my beliefs, myself, and how I react to things. I have controlled my life loosely, but essentially it's all up to the Universe what path I choose next.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I think I'm a good mix of both. I like to do things right because that means I don't get yelled at, but sometimes the rules have to be bent to do what is right. It is a strong person, I've been told, that bucks the system just because it's the right thing to do. I don't feel particularly heroic when I do stuff, but I do follow my conscience and my beliefs. So far, I've not done anything contrary to either since I started believing in myself.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would first point out the fact that I happen to be a close friend of theirs. If that didn't get the reaction, then I'd excuse myself no matter how much I respect them or admire them. Assholes are assholes no matter what they are to you.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Believe in your dreams.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Absolutely.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? I live above two neighbors that should have been living in the 70's. They are both nuttier than Mr. Peanut, but they are two of the most creative and funny people I know.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Thinking. I don't think like other people do. I broke that chain and I'm happier with myself than I've ever been. I still have my dark spells, like right now where it physically hurts me that there is so much hate in the world. But I know that seeing the world with child-like eyes gives me a different perspective than most people can see.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Not many think like me. Not everyone can give in to their inner child and play with bubbles for hours.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? I would really like to write the book I already have outlined. I want my book to be positive which I'm not particularly feeling right now. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to sitting down and actually doing it. I'm an excellent idea person, but not so much on the follow-through.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Sadness of abandonment.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Arizona because I miss it so damn much. I loved living there. I was sad when I felt it necessary to leave. If I had to leave the country, I think I'd be okay with living in New Zealand or Australia.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No. I'm usually one that hits the buttons for each floor.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? I think I'm pretty close to a worried genius, and I'm okay with that.
22. Why are you, you? I am me because of every experience, bad, good, disgusting, unwilling, frightening, joyful, ridiculous...all of them created the way I see the world. I am me because Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself because everyone else is already taken." AND because I'm good at it.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Not always. I make mistakes. I try to make them right. Sometimes I open my mouth and insert my foot when if I'd left my mouth closed, things would pan out. I try not to hurt people because I don't like to be hurt, but I've done it, regretfully, to people I love dearly.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? I think that losing touch with a good friend that lives close is more difficult. Sometimes life happens and the distance doesn't change physically, but it does emotionally. For example, I live around the corner from one of my dearest friends and right next door to three others, but I hibernate, so do they, and we drift into our own lives. When we do get back together, it's a connection that feels like a familial soul binding us back together again.
25. What are you most grateful for? I am most grateful that I've had an interesting life. Good or bad, I wouldn't trade it.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Like wiping the slate clean? Most of the adventure is in making new memories. If you get to keep your new ones at the expense of the old ones...I'm for it.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Question everything. What you think is the truth could be so wrong that it ends up blowing up in your face. Always question everything until you're so sure it's the truth that you can step back and observe it objectively.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Losing both of my parents while they're still alive...yes.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Yes, because he now lives with me and my husband.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Kawphy Time. It was the most magical time I remember in my life. My Bapa, the patriarch, and Grandma, the matriarch running rampant in the kitchen, or building some addition with my uncles and dad. It was a time where love and laughter, blue light goblins, Deputy Dawg and the Guiness Book of World Records were staples. It was a time when my cousins, siblings and I made sassafras and mint tea with the tin tasting water out of the icy well. It was a time where we played Elves and renamed ourselves so that we couldn't be seen by humans. It was snipe hunting, the haunted house next door, the thick woods with fern carpeting. It was Fog lake and sandy cheeks after going skinny dipping. It was those sandy cheeks rubbing together inside my overalls. It was learning my first bird call, the Bluejay, from my Uncle Les one early autumn morning. It was the place where we all came together as a family and love filled the air with the musty odor of age and youth mixing together.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Before depression kicked in, I lived every day passionate about life, grateful to be alive.
32. If not now, then when? When I run out of excuses not to.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? A part of my soul I like kept in a dark corner.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? I do that with my husband a lot. Sometimes we just look at each other and I'm completely filled with his thoughts and hopes.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Do as I say, not as I do. Hypocrisy.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? I do not believe in either. Everything, whether considered by others to be good or evil, has a redeeming quality. Maybe it just isn't apparent.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? I think I would quit my job and open the business that I've always dreamed about owning.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? I'm really adaptable to any type of work, so none of it really bothers me much.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? No. Each day is different. It may be similar, but it's never the same.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? When I discovered I was Pro-Choice and not Pro-Life.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? My circle sisters, my husband, my son, my family in Michigan, Bungy, Diane and her family.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No. I am who I am. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'd end up being famous for something so ridiculous it would haunt me the rest of my life anyway. No thank you.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? I interpret this to say living=surviving, while truly living=gulping everything life has to offer. I prefer to do the latter, although lately I would say that being alive is about as good as you get.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? Presently I would reckon.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Maybe because we remember being chastised for doing things differently than the status quo. Maybe because mistakes are viewed not by what is learned but by how you fucked up yet again. Maybe because the step up you tried to take dropped you back to the bottom one too many times.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I would run around naked.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? As soon as I read this. I am normally rather mindful of my breathing. It helps during times of great stress or anxiety.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love a LOT of people and activities. I do express my love very often, but I haven't been feeling super creative so I have not been expressing it through activity.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? I barely remember if I wore shoes yesterday, and if I did, which ones. I try not to dwell too much on the past, it just gets heavier with time.
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I would say that I've taken a back seat to my husband right now. I haven't felt very capable of anything lately. I'm letting him do the work for once. It's sort of refreshing.
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